What I Never Learned in Primary
I grew up in Cache Valley, Utah. We liked to call it a bubble within the Utah bubble--bubble inception if you will. I remember warm Sundays, white shirts that I could never button quite right, and exciting escapades to the cultural hall during sacrament meetings. I remember idealized lessons of Joseph Smith, a 14 year-old boy with questions and miraculous visions. Most Mormons are familiar and comfortable with the bare bones, simplified version of Joseph Smith's story and the history of the Church. Coming out of the warm glow of the simple to the complex reality of unfiltered history can be a shock.
It was on my mission for the LDS church that I was first exposed to some things I had never learned in Primary. What! Joseph Smith had 27 wives!? No way, he only had his precious Emma...right? I guess not. What! Mountain Meadow Massacre? A group of Saints would never dress up like Indians and murder men, women and children, right? What do you mean that Joseph Smith had a Seer Stone and the Urim and Thummim? The warm glow of my childhood changed as I was confronted with new information from fellow members and allegations from Southern Baptists, members from the Church of Christ, Church of God, Seventh Day Adventists, Catholics, Presbyterians, Pentecostals, Anna Baptists, Agnostics, and Atheists. Having no real understanding of my Church's history outside of what I learned in Primary put me in a lot of awkward positions. I felt at times in the dark, away from that warm glow. Frustrated with no outward sign of success and filled with internal consternation, the first six months of my mission were a dark time for me.
I had questions. Blacks and the Priesthood. Why was the Sabbath on Sunday? Were Elders really supposed to be married? (I got this one a lot from Church of Christ members.) What's this about genetic impossibilities with Native Americans and Nephites and Lamanites? Every Christian sect I came across left me with more questions about my own faith.
And I found answers. Lesson 23 in the Doctrine and Covenants Gospel Doctrine Manual is about seeking learning even by study and by faith. I think it's really easy for me to start the process of searching for answers with a lot of study, but I forget at times to exercise faith. This often looks like a lot of reading material and asking others about our questions. The faith aspect, well, I suppose there are different ways to do this. It may include seeking personal revelation during prayer, testing out a principle of the gospel, or, having the patience to continue on in what you know, trusting that the answers will become clear down the road. I'll admit I'm to do a lot more of the former. I can read. I can ask others I can see. That's all in my control and feedback is instantaneous. But the faith aspect, I feel that's more difficult. I can't see God. I can't hear his response with my ears. Feedback always seems to take time. Having said that though, I've always come to an understanding of my question after enlisting the spirit of Revelation in my search.
Funny story. I left on my mission feeling almost 100% positive I knew who I was going to marry. Thought I had a revelatory experience on the matter. I found out she was engaged about 7 1/2 months in. Hardly novel, I know. But it shook me up pretty good. All those prayers and things I thought I knew through constant prayer back in high school. I began to doubt any kind of answer that came to my mind in prayer after that. I was so sure before, but what about now? To be honest, that lingering doubt about ideas and words coming to mind, even in priesthood blessings, still persists today.
But, in all of that doubt and confusion, I held fast to what I did know. What we do know--those kernels of testimony born out of experience and validated faith, are probably different for all of us. For me, they were small things. The comfort I had felt in prayer during my parents' divorces and separations. The inspiration and words that seemed to flow into me while teaching the gospel. The sudden comprehension and understanding of my mission companions which resulted in an ability to love and be patient with them, and they with me. The way the scriptures moved me to want to be better. How I had received power to overcome addictions. The feelings of peace, forgiveness, love and mercy after repenting. I had experienced all of these repeatedly, and they kept me warm and comforted while I struggled to find the answers to my questions. To be honest, I struggle the most with revelation! I struggle giving priesthood blessings. I struggle with praying for people. I don't know where agency and grace meet. From past experience, I tend to doubt what I think I receive in prayer. I tend towards what decision provides the greatest amount of peace, or whatever decision keeps nagging at me. I struggle knowing if the priesthood blessing I'm giving is inspired or if it will affect anything.
I've seen some individuals back away from the Church, prayer, and scriptures when they came across something new that troubled them. I've done the same I suppose. There are certain things I struggle to pray about, and so don't. I can't force spiritual feelings or feelings of peace, so I pray for that instead. I don't ask for or expect to receive answers to my prayers on my knees, but rather as intelligence and "aha!" moments later on as I'm actively working on the problem.
In searching for answers to hard questions, I've done a lot of reading. I've seen others do this as well. I think it's easy to research. I think it is easy to study, but not exercise faith. Exercising faith when doubt is present is incredibly hard. You feel like you need to stop coming to Church and participating in activities so as to not be a hypocrite. But isn't it interesting that in seeking light, we are tempted to step away from it. We have questions about the truthfulness of the Church or some Gospel principle, so we step away when we should be getting even closer to examine it. I suppose it is like having questions about your ability to lift a weight, so you stop lifting. You stop going to the gym. You hop on online forums and read and read and read, always getting more information but never coming to a knowledge of how to lift, because you aren't lifting. Or running. Or walking. Or parenting. Or whatever metaphor you'd like to use here.
It's at times like these that we need to be even more engaged and experimenting. It's tough to judge the merit of something having never tried it or practiced it. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes honesty and persistence. It means actually doing what is prescribed. I suppose it is like getting fit. If you only kind of follow the plan, you won't see the results. It creates frustration. Finding answers to gospel questions means jumping in with both feet...or at least wading in with both feet. Answers to deep questions require deep diving.
Concluding thoughts. Why doesn't the Church go in depth about its history in Primary or Gospel Doctrine lessons? Because the Savior commanded us to teach his Gospel: Faith in Jesus Christ and His Atonement, Repentance, Baptism, Receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost, and Enduring to the End. These are the critical principles that enable us to return to God. They enable us to find the answers to everything else that trouble us. They may not come quickly, but they will likely come with experience.
I'm still working on some of my questions. I'll likely always have questions, it's my nature. It's my hope that they will be eventually found through studying AND faith. One last analogy. I think studying is kind of like eating, and faith like exercising. The body needs both nutrition and exercise to become strong. Our spirit is the same. Finding answers to spiritual challenges requires both study and faith.
Until next time.
It was on my mission for the LDS church that I was first exposed to some things I had never learned in Primary. What! Joseph Smith had 27 wives!? No way, he only had his precious Emma...right? I guess not. What! Mountain Meadow Massacre? A group of Saints would never dress up like Indians and murder men, women and children, right? What do you mean that Joseph Smith had a Seer Stone and the Urim and Thummim? The warm glow of my childhood changed as I was confronted with new information from fellow members and allegations from Southern Baptists, members from the Church of Christ, Church of God, Seventh Day Adventists, Catholics, Presbyterians, Pentecostals, Anna Baptists, Agnostics, and Atheists. Having no real understanding of my Church's history outside of what I learned in Primary put me in a lot of awkward positions. I felt at times in the dark, away from that warm glow. Frustrated with no outward sign of success and filled with internal consternation, the first six months of my mission were a dark time for me.
I had questions. Blacks and the Priesthood. Why was the Sabbath on Sunday? Were Elders really supposed to be married? (I got this one a lot from Church of Christ members.) What's this about genetic impossibilities with Native Americans and Nephites and Lamanites? Every Christian sect I came across left me with more questions about my own faith.
And I found answers. Lesson 23 in the Doctrine and Covenants Gospel Doctrine Manual is about seeking learning even by study and by faith. I think it's really easy for me to start the process of searching for answers with a lot of study, but I forget at times to exercise faith. This often looks like a lot of reading material and asking others about our questions. The faith aspect, well, I suppose there are different ways to do this. It may include seeking personal revelation during prayer, testing out a principle of the gospel, or, having the patience to continue on in what you know, trusting that the answers will become clear down the road. I'll admit I'm to do a lot more of the former. I can read. I can ask others I can see. That's all in my control and feedback is instantaneous. But the faith aspect, I feel that's more difficult. I can't see God. I can't hear his response with my ears. Feedback always seems to take time. Having said that though, I've always come to an understanding of my question after enlisting the spirit of Revelation in my search.
Funny story. I left on my mission feeling almost 100% positive I knew who I was going to marry. Thought I had a revelatory experience on the matter. I found out she was engaged about 7 1/2 months in. Hardly novel, I know. But it shook me up pretty good. All those prayers and things I thought I knew through constant prayer back in high school. I began to doubt any kind of answer that came to my mind in prayer after that. I was so sure before, but what about now? To be honest, that lingering doubt about ideas and words coming to mind, even in priesthood blessings, still persists today.
But, in all of that doubt and confusion, I held fast to what I did know. What we do know--those kernels of testimony born out of experience and validated faith, are probably different for all of us. For me, they were small things. The comfort I had felt in prayer during my parents' divorces and separations. The inspiration and words that seemed to flow into me while teaching the gospel. The sudden comprehension and understanding of my mission companions which resulted in an ability to love and be patient with them, and they with me. The way the scriptures moved me to want to be better. How I had received power to overcome addictions. The feelings of peace, forgiveness, love and mercy after repenting. I had experienced all of these repeatedly, and they kept me warm and comforted while I struggled to find the answers to my questions. To be honest, I struggle the most with revelation! I struggle giving priesthood blessings. I struggle with praying for people. I don't know where agency and grace meet. From past experience, I tend to doubt what I think I receive in prayer. I tend towards what decision provides the greatest amount of peace, or whatever decision keeps nagging at me. I struggle knowing if the priesthood blessing I'm giving is inspired or if it will affect anything.
I've seen some individuals back away from the Church, prayer, and scriptures when they came across something new that troubled them. I've done the same I suppose. There are certain things I struggle to pray about, and so don't. I can't force spiritual feelings or feelings of peace, so I pray for that instead. I don't ask for or expect to receive answers to my prayers on my knees, but rather as intelligence and "aha!" moments later on as I'm actively working on the problem.
In searching for answers to hard questions, I've done a lot of reading. I've seen others do this as well. I think it's easy to research. I think it is easy to study, but not exercise faith. Exercising faith when doubt is present is incredibly hard. You feel like you need to stop coming to Church and participating in activities so as to not be a hypocrite. But isn't it interesting that in seeking light, we are tempted to step away from it. We have questions about the truthfulness of the Church or some Gospel principle, so we step away when we should be getting even closer to examine it. I suppose it is like having questions about your ability to lift a weight, so you stop lifting. You stop going to the gym. You hop on online forums and read and read and read, always getting more information but never coming to a knowledge of how to lift, because you aren't lifting. Or running. Or walking. Or parenting. Or whatever metaphor you'd like to use here.
It's at times like these that we need to be even more engaged and experimenting. It's tough to judge the merit of something having never tried it or practiced it. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes honesty and persistence. It means actually doing what is prescribed. I suppose it is like getting fit. If you only kind of follow the plan, you won't see the results. It creates frustration. Finding answers to gospel questions means jumping in with both feet...or at least wading in with both feet. Answers to deep questions require deep diving.
Concluding thoughts. Why doesn't the Church go in depth about its history in Primary or Gospel Doctrine lessons? Because the Savior commanded us to teach his Gospel: Faith in Jesus Christ and His Atonement, Repentance, Baptism, Receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost, and Enduring to the End. These are the critical principles that enable us to return to God. They enable us to find the answers to everything else that trouble us. They may not come quickly, but they will likely come with experience.
I'm still working on some of my questions. I'll likely always have questions, it's my nature. It's my hope that they will be eventually found through studying AND faith. One last analogy. I think studying is kind of like eating, and faith like exercising. The body needs both nutrition and exercise to become strong. Our spirit is the same. Finding answers to spiritual challenges requires both study and faith.
Until next time.
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